Feb 19
Rudeness & ADHD: what’s really going on?
Rudeness and ADHD often go hand in hand.
Rudeness occurs due to challenges with impulse control and emotional regulation. It is not because your child is a bad kid. And it is not because you are a bad parent.
It is often a natural fight-or-flight response that shows up in words rather than physical actions.
But if I had one piece of advice for you, it would be this…
Keep quiet and put the bat down
You can try to fight rudeness with logic and dominance, but it only adds fuel to the fire.
Wait for things to calm down. Then take the opportunity to teach your child alternative behaviours or get to the route cause of the rudeness.
Wait for things to calm down. Then take the opportunity to teach your child alternative behaviours or get to the route cause of the rudeness.
It’s hard.
It triggers many parents.
But we need to teach our kids the skills they lack rather than punish them for not having them.
And yes - it can be soooooo hard.
The guard dog of the brain
Think of the amygdala as a yappy Chihuahua the brain’s guard dog.
When it’s calm, things run smoothly.When it’s activated, it barks loudly and reacts fast.
When that guard dog is triggered, we enter what’s often called the fight-or-flight response.
But it’s actually bigger than that.
When it’s calm, things run smoothly.When it’s activated, it barks loudly and reacts fast.
When that guard dog is triggered, we enter what’s often called the fight-or-flight response.
But it’s actually bigger than that.
The six F response
When the brain senses danger (real or perceived), it can respond with:
Fight – attack (physically or verbally)
Flight – escape or avoid
Freeze – shut down
Fawn – people-please
Flood – emotional overwhelm
Flop – collapse
Rudeness often sits in fight, but it can also sit in flight.
Rudeness as fight
We often think of fighting as hitting or kicking.
But verbal fighting counts too:
Eye rolling
Snapping
Sarcasm
Shouting
Dismissive comments
This is the brain saying:
“I don’t feel safe. I need to fight my way out. I don't have logical words right now so I will go on the attack”
Rudeness as flight
Sometimes rudeness is an attempt to make you go away.
If I’m rude enough…
If I escalate enough…
Maybe they’ll back off.
That’s still survival.
The dopamine piece
The ADHD brain craves stimulation.
And it does not care whether that stimulation is positive or negative.
A sibling argument? Instant dopamine.
A power struggle? Fast stimulation.
Sugar or carbs? Quick chemical dopamine boost.
Picking a fight, being rude or argumentative can be easier than finding something constructive.
So when rudeness shows up, it’s often one of two things:
A survival (6F) response
Dopamine seeking
And impulse control plays into both.
All behaviour Is communication
Rudeness is rarely random.
It communicates:
“I’m overwhelmed.”
“I don’t have brain energy.”
“I need stimulation.”
“I feel unsafe.”
“I don’t know how to say this properly.”
If we only see disrespect, we miss the message - even though at times that can feel impossible.
Proactive strategies are preferable
Kids need to feel good to do good. Before correcting behaviour, check the foundations of executive function:
Foundations Matter
Connection – Do they feel understood?
Sleep – Tired brains bark louder.
Food – Blood sugar dips look like attitude.
Safety – Emotional and physical safety calm the guard dog.
If safety drops, behaviour escalates.
Brain Energy & Sensory Load
ADHD brains use energy quickly.
By the end of the day:
Brain energy is low
Sensory load is high
Tolerance shrinks
What looks like rudeness may actually be depletion.
Use Scales
Teach a simple 1–5 scale:
1 – Calm
2 – Irritated
3 – Frustrated
4 – Very upset
5 – Explosive
Practice identifying numbers when calm.
Intervene at 2 or 3, not 5.
How We Ask Matters
Direct demands can trigger the guard dog.
Instead of:
“Go brush your teeth.”
Try:
First–Then
“First teeth, then story.”
This or That
“Before or after pyjamas?”
Indirect Demand
“Ooh, my teeth feel furry — I’m going to brush mine.”
Lower threat = less barking.
Lower threat = less barking.
Practice Calm Skills Out of the Moment
You cannot teach regulation during dysregulation.
Practice when calm:
Physiological sigh (two short inhales, long exhale)
5 senses happy place visualisation
Heavy work or sensory reset
Repetition builds pathways.
Practice these when calm, use them in crisis.
Practice these when calm, use them in crisis.
Reactive (in the moment) tactics
When rudeness happens:
Put the bat down (the main one)
Stay quiet.
Regulate yourself first.
Re-Do
“Let’s try that again respectfully.”
Emotion Cards (UNO works well!)
“What colour are you right now?”
Listening Ear or Problem Solver?
“Do you want me to listen or help fix it?”
The big picture
Rudeness in ADHD is usually:
A dopamine strategy
A fight-or-flight response
A lagging skill in impulse control and emotional regulation.
It is not a character flaw.
You are not failing.
Your child is not failing.
They are missing skills.
And our job as hard as it can be is to teach the skills they don’t yet have, not punish them for lacking them.
Even when it’s exhausting.
Even when it pushes every button you have.
Put the bat down.
Wait for calm.
Teach after.
That’s where real change happens.
Safety comes first. Always.
Your job in that moment is not to correct, explain, or reason.
It is to:
Move siblings away
Move yourself to a safer distance
Remove objects that could be thrown
Keep your body sideways and your voice low
Think:
“Contain and protect.”
Not:
“Teach and win.”
If needed, create space. Sometimes the safest option is stepping out of the room while ensuring everyone is safe.
What to do
Lower stimulation
Fewer words
Softer tone, but take care not to be patronising
Slow movements
Minimal eye contact (can feel threatening)
Short phrases only
“I won’t let you hurt me.”
“I’m moving back.”
“We’re taking space.”
Avoid lectures. Avoid threats.
Offer a cognitive opposite: You can’t hit me but you can punch the pillow.
Regulate yourself first
Your nervous system will either calm or escalate theirs.
Slow breathing.
Drop your shoulders.
Unclench your jaw.
Even if you’re faking it.
After it's over (not during)
Once calm has returned, sometimes much later, that’s when teaching happens.
You might say:
“Your body was out of control.”
“It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to hurt.”
“Let’s figure out what your body needed.”
Punishment vs. consequences
It is also important not to punish the reaction “ you hit me so I am taking you ipad away for the rest of the day “ will never work.
However you can apply CONSEQUENCE for example if they have thrown stuff in the kitchen , “ We can’t go out until the kitchen is tidy. I’ll help you”
Then work on:
Early warning signs (1–5 scale)
Safe anger outlets (pillow punch, wall push, stomp feet)
Repair (apology, helping fix what was broken)
Accountability still matters — but it happens after regulation, not during chaos.
If violence is repeated
If physical aggression is frequent, intense, or escalating:
Look at sleep, hunger, and sensory overload.
Check for anxiety, trauma, or school stress.
Speak with your GP, paediatrician, or mental health professional.
Consider an occupational therapist (sensory processing) or psychologist (emotional regulation skills).
Frequent physical violence is a sign that the child’s nervous system is overwhelmed beyond what home strategies alone can manage.
And getting help is not failure.
The hard truth
Being hit, kicked, or having things thrown at you is deeply triggering.
You are allowed to feel shaken.
You are allowed to need support.
You are allowed to set firm safety boundaries.
ADHD explains behaviour.
It does not excuse harm.
The boundary is simple and calm:
“I will not let you hurt me.”
And then you follow through with space, containment, and later teaching.
gee eltringham
The founder
I started twigged out of both personal urgency and professional insight.
As The Toolkit Therapist and parent to a neurodivergent child, I experienced first hand the overwhelm and isolation families often face after a diagnosis.
Frustrated by the lack of practical, empathetic support, I set out to create what I couldn’t find: simple, evidence-based tools that make everyday life easier.
As The Toolkit Therapist and parent to a neurodivergent child, I experienced first hand the overwhelm and isolation families often face after a diagnosis.
Frustrated by the lack of practical, empathetic support, I set out to create what I couldn’t find: simple, evidence-based tools that make everyday life easier.
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ADHD and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) often co-occur, with up to 70% of individuals with ASD also showing ADHD traits, as both conditions involve differences in executive function, sensory processing, and social communication.
ADHD and dyslexia frequently co-occur, with up to 45% of individuals with ADHD also having dyslexia, as both conditions involve differences in processing speed, working memory, and executive function, impacting reading, writing, and attention.
ADHD and dyspraxia frequently co-occur, with research indicating that up to 50% of individuals with ADHD also have dyspraxia (DCD), as both conditions involve difficulties with executive function, motor coordination, planning, and processing speed, impacting daily activities, handwriting, and organization.
ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder): A neurodevelopmental condition affecting executive functioning, attention, impulse control, and hyperactivity. It has three presentations: inattentive (characterised by difficulties with focus, organisation, and sustained attention, often without the hyperactive or impulsive behaviours typically associated with ADHD), hyperactive-impulsive (characterised by excessive energy, fidgeting, difficulty staying seated, impulsive decision-making, and trouble with self-control, often without significant issues with inattention), and combined (includes symptoms of both inattention and hyperactivity-impulsivity, meaning individuals struggle with focus, organisation, excessive energy, impulsivity, and self-regulation) types.
Anxiety:A feeling of unease or worry that can be mild or severe. In ADHD, anxiety often stems from overstimulation, sensory overload, or difficulty managing expectations.
ASD (autism spectrum disorder):A neurodevelopmental condition characterised by differences in communication, social interaction, and sensory processing. There is a significant crossover between adhd and asd, with many individuals diagnosed with both.
Connection languages:Ways children express and receive connection, such as physical touch, shared humour, or quiet presence.
Dopamining:The brain's search for stimulation, common in individuals with adhd, often resulting in behaviours that provide immediate dopamine boosts.
Dysregulation:A state of being overwhelmed or unable to manage emotions effectively, often triggered by stress or unmet needs.
Dyspraxia (developmental coordination disorder):A condition affecting motor skills and coordination, often overlapping with ADHD.
Executive functions:Cognitive processes include planning, organisation, time management, and emotional control. These are often impaired in ADHD.
Emotional regulation:The ability to manage and respond to emotional experiences in a balanced manner. Emotional regulation challenges are common in ADHD.
Fight-or-flight response:The body’s automatic reaction to perceived danger, involving adrenaline release and heightened alertness. In ADHD, this response can be triggered more frequently.
Fixed mindset:
The belief that abilities and intelligence are static, often limiting personal growth and resilience.
The belief that abilities and intelligence are static, often limiting personal growth and resilience.
Growth mindset:The belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort and persistence. This mindset encourages resilience and adaptability.
Hyperfocus:An intense concentration on a specific activity or interest, often to the exclusion of other responsibilities. It is a common trait in ADHD.
Masking:A coping mechanism where individuals with ADHD or ASD suppress or hide their symptoms to fit societal expectations.
Neurodiversity:A concept recognising that neurological differences, such as ADHD, autism, and dyslexia, are part of natural human variation.
Rupture and repair:A parenting approach acknowledging that conflicts (ruptures) are inevitable but emphasising the importance of resolving them (repair) to maintain trust.
Sensory processing disorder (SPD):A condition where the brain has difficulty receiving and responding to sensory input appropriately, often co-occurring with ADHD and ASD.
Tic disorders:Conditions, including tourette’s syndrome, involving involuntary movements or vocalisations. These often co-occur with adhd.
Tourette’s syndrome:A neurological condition involving repetitive movements or sounds, often co-occurring with ADHD.
Parenting a child with ADHD
Parenting a child with ADHD can be a challenge. No child is born with a manual, and we can find ourselves stumbling through the parenting process.
Often the traditional parenting methods don’t work for a child with ADHD, and things can snowball out of control. After diagnosis, parents can be left to fend for themselves without any support, and this is where twigged can help.
I started twigged to give parents support, guidance, and practical tools to help them navigate the complexities of ADHD. As a psychotherapist and mother of a child with ADHD I know how overwhelming it can all be. But I also know how transformative it can be with the right tools and resources to help our children thrive.
Parenting a child with ADHD can come with its struggles as well as its joys. Children with ADHD can be creative, full of life, full of energy, inventive and all manner of things but there are struggles when it comes to navigating a neurotypical world. It's important to embrace and celebrate their strengths as well as understanding their struggles.
At twigged, we aim to provide unique insight to parents of what the world with ADHD is like and why some behaviours occur. Most importantly, we focus on how to manage these behaviours in easy and simple ways to allow your family to go from surviving to thriving. We believe in progress over perfection, and in celebrating the small wins.
Thank you for being here with twigged. I look forward to joining you on your journey and helping you navigate ADHD and making it a little bit easier, and more importantly, more empowering.
Often the traditional parenting methods don’t work for a child with ADHD, and things can snowball out of control. After diagnosis, parents can be left to fend for themselves without any support, and this is where twigged can help.
I started twigged to give parents support, guidance, and practical tools to help them navigate the complexities of ADHD. As a psychotherapist and mother of a child with ADHD I know how overwhelming it can all be. But I also know how transformative it can be with the right tools and resources to help our children thrive.
Parenting a child with ADHD can come with its struggles as well as its joys. Children with ADHD can be creative, full of life, full of energy, inventive and all manner of things but there are struggles when it comes to navigating a neurotypical world. It's important to embrace and celebrate their strengths as well as understanding their struggles.
At twigged, we aim to provide unique insight to parents of what the world with ADHD is like and why some behaviours occur. Most importantly, we focus on how to manage these behaviours in easy and simple ways to allow your family to go from surviving to thriving. We believe in progress over perfection, and in celebrating the small wins.
Thank you for being here with twigged. I look forward to joining you on your journey and helping you navigate ADHD and making it a little bit easier, and more importantly, more empowering.
Parenting a child with ADHD
Parenting a child with ADHD can be a challenge. No child is born with a manual, and we can find ourselves stumbling through the parenting process.
Often the traditional parenting methods don’t work for a child with ADHD, and things can snowball out of control. After diagnosis, parents can be left to fend for themselves without any support, and this is where twigged can help.
I started twigged to give parents support, guidance, and practical tools to help them navigate the complexities of ADHD. As a psychotherapist and mother of a child with ADHD I know how overwhelming it can all be. But I also know how transformative it can be with the right tools and resources to help our children thrive.
Parenting a child with ADHD can come with its struggles as well as its joys. Children with ADHD can be creative, full of life, full of energy, inventive and all manner of things but there are struggles when it comes to navigating a neurotypical world. It's important to embrace and celebrate their strengths as well as understanding their struggles.
At twigged, we aim to provide unique insight to parents of what the world with ADHD is like and why some behaviours occur. Most importantly, we focus on how to manage these behaviours in easy and simple ways to allow your family to go from surviving to thriving. We believe in progress over perfection, and in celebrating the small wins.
Thank you for being here with twigged. I look forward to joining you on your journey and helping you navigate ADHD and making it a little bit easier, and more importantly, more empowering.
Often the traditional parenting methods don’t work for a child with ADHD, and things can snowball out of control. After diagnosis, parents can be left to fend for themselves without any support, and this is where twigged can help.
I started twigged to give parents support, guidance, and practical tools to help them navigate the complexities of ADHD. As a psychotherapist and mother of a child with ADHD I know how overwhelming it can all be. But I also know how transformative it can be with the right tools and resources to help our children thrive.
Parenting a child with ADHD can come with its struggles as well as its joys. Children with ADHD can be creative, full of life, full of energy, inventive and all manner of things but there are struggles when it comes to navigating a neurotypical world. It's important to embrace and celebrate their strengths as well as understanding their struggles.
At twigged, we aim to provide unique insight to parents of what the world with ADHD is like and why some behaviours occur. Most importantly, we focus on how to manage these behaviours in easy and simple ways to allow your family to go from surviving to thriving. We believe in progress over perfection, and in celebrating the small wins.
Thank you for being here with twigged. I look forward to joining you on your journey and helping you navigate ADHD and making it a little bit easier, and more importantly, more empowering.
The foundations of the twigged philosphy
A child's brain isn't fully developed until they're at least 25 which means they can't always apply logic and reason to emotional situations, just like when they fly off the handle at a broken breadstick!
I know this can be frustrating but it's important to remember that it's not their fault and it's just how their brain is working right now. Emotional regulation and impulse control are core executive functions and play a vital role in how children with ADHD respond to situations.
This is where our job as a parent comes in. it's not to react with frustration and punishment but to teach them the skills they need. We need to teach our children the skills they need to prevent a storm from occurring. If a storm does, we need to be their calm whilst it's raging, through empathy, guidance and patience.
At twigged we use our unique three Cs method which is simple yet powerful and helps with communication.
I know this can be frustrating but it's important to remember that it's not their fault and it's just how their brain is working right now. Emotional regulation and impulse control are core executive functions and play a vital role in how children with ADHD respond to situations.
This is where our job as a parent comes in. it's not to react with frustration and punishment but to teach them the skills they need. We need to teach our children the skills they need to prevent a storm from occurring. If a storm does, we need to be their calm whilst it's raging, through empathy, guidance and patience.
At twigged we use our unique three Cs method which is simple yet powerful and helps with communication.
What twigged will & won't do
The twigged toolkit for ADHD isn't a magic wand - just like having a gym membership won't make you a bodybuilder. Simply having the toolkit won't solve everything. But with time, effort and repetition you will see progress.
You'll have good days and bad days, but remember this is not about creating the perfect family, where no one ever argues or shouts. That doesn't exist. It won't stop your children fighting all the time and it won't stop 100% of the meltdowns. What it will do is give you the tools to cope and support your child and guide you towards the progress that you are seeking. It will help reduce meltdowns and overwhelm and take out some of the tension in the household, whilst building the self-esteem of your child.
We are all human and we are all imperfect. So remember, this is about progress and not perfection. The best part is you can go your own pace. There are no scores, there are no right or wrong answers and there's no pressure. The toolkit is is built so that you can engage with the content that is relevant to your child. Whether you're wanting an overview or a deeper dive, you get to decide what is most useful for your family.
You'll have good days and bad days, but remember this is not about creating the perfect family, where no one ever argues or shouts. That doesn't exist. It won't stop your children fighting all the time and it won't stop 100% of the meltdowns. What it will do is give you the tools to cope and support your child and guide you towards the progress that you are seeking. It will help reduce meltdowns and overwhelm and take out some of the tension in the household, whilst building the self-esteem of your child.
We are all human and we are all imperfect. So remember, this is about progress and not perfection. The best part is you can go your own pace. There are no scores, there are no right or wrong answers and there's no pressure. The toolkit is is built so that you can engage with the content that is relevant to your child. Whether you're wanting an overview or a deeper dive, you get to decide what is most useful for your family.
The states of ADHD
At twigged we believe there are three states of ADHD, and we need to understand these in order to support your child. Each state affects how your child's brain and body responds to the world around them. Recognising these states is the first step in managing and supporting them effectively.
Let's talk about the steady state or green state. This is where your child's central nervous system is calm and regulated and they can respond in appropriate ways. In this state, they have access to their executive function skills and things feel manageable for them.
Next, we have the dopamining or sensory seeking state or amber state. This is a bit more complex. Dopamining is when your child's brain is seeking stimulation in order to get a dopamine hit. It's subconscious, but if the brain isn't getting enough dopamine, the brain will find a way to get it, even if it means it's from a negative source, such as fighting with a sibling, or a positive one, such as hyper focusing or engaging in a preferred task, Sensory seeking behaviour can be both positive or negative for the child, such as being happy or feeling overwhelmed and trying to self-regulate. Actions such as spinning, stimming or jumping can help regulate the nervous system and prevent a full blown meltdown due to overwhelm. Sometimes the behaviours associated with dopamining and the prevention of overwhelm can be challenging for us parents, especially when they're done in unsafe environments such as cartwheeling in a supermarket!
Finally, there's a 6F response, often known as fight or flight or the red state. This is when things rapidly escalate and your child becomes dysregulated. It feels like a child goes from 0 to 100 in no time. When they're in a 6F state, whether it's fight, flight freeze, fawn, flood of flop, executive functions are unavailable, such as emotional regulation, impulse control, so no amount of logic or reason will calm the situation.
Understanding these states is key to managing your child's behaviour and supporting them through each stage. Next, we'll dive into how to navigate these states with the tools and strategies you need to guide your child to the balance of a steady state.
Let's talk about the steady state or green state. This is where your child's central nervous system is calm and regulated and they can respond in appropriate ways. In this state, they have access to their executive function skills and things feel manageable for them.
Next, we have the dopamining or sensory seeking state or amber state. This is a bit more complex. Dopamining is when your child's brain is seeking stimulation in order to get a dopamine hit. It's subconscious, but if the brain isn't getting enough dopamine, the brain will find a way to get it, even if it means it's from a negative source, such as fighting with a sibling, or a positive one, such as hyper focusing or engaging in a preferred task, Sensory seeking behaviour can be both positive or negative for the child, such as being happy or feeling overwhelmed and trying to self-regulate. Actions such as spinning, stimming or jumping can help regulate the nervous system and prevent a full blown meltdown due to overwhelm. Sometimes the behaviours associated with dopamining and the prevention of overwhelm can be challenging for us parents, especially when they're done in unsafe environments such as cartwheeling in a supermarket!
Finally, there's a 6F response, often known as fight or flight or the red state. This is when things rapidly escalate and your child becomes dysregulated. It feels like a child goes from 0 to 100 in no time. When they're in a 6F state, whether it's fight, flight freeze, fawn, flood of flop, executive functions are unavailable, such as emotional regulation, impulse control, so no amount of logic or reason will calm the situation.
Understanding these states is key to managing your child's behaviour and supporting them through each stage. Next, we'll dive into how to navigate these states with the tools and strategies you need to guide your child to the balance of a steady state.
Introducing the behaviour funnel
Ever wondered why on earth your child is behaving the way they are? Or found yourself perplexed on how to handle a particular situation? That's where our unique twigged behaviour funnel comes in.
Children's behaviour can often feel confusing, even to them. The behaviour funnel is a tool that I've developed through my professional expertise and personal experience, and it will help you find the root cause of your child's behaviour. By identifying the underlying issues, we can begin to support them in a way that encourages positive change rather than just addressing the symptoms.
The behaviour funnel can be used for immediate behaviours, like a tantrum, or longer term issues, like anxiety. It's a way of getting to the heart of what's going on, so you can approach it with understanding that will lead to transformative outcomes. Use the behaviour funnel to explore the underlying issues that may be influencing your child's behaviour.
By identifying why they behave the way they do, you'll be empowered to create a plan that suits your child in the best possible way. Let's look at the behaviour funnel together to uncover the root causes of your child's behaviour, which will turn confusion into clarify and support your child's growth.
Children's behaviour can often feel confusing, even to them. The behaviour funnel is a tool that I've developed through my professional expertise and personal experience, and it will help you find the root cause of your child's behaviour. By identifying the underlying issues, we can begin to support them in a way that encourages positive change rather than just addressing the symptoms.
The behaviour funnel can be used for immediate behaviours, like a tantrum, or longer term issues, like anxiety. It's a way of getting to the heart of what's going on, so you can approach it with understanding that will lead to transformative outcomes. Use the behaviour funnel to explore the underlying issues that may be influencing your child's behaviour.
By identifying why they behave the way they do, you'll be empowered to create a plan that suits your child in the best possible way. Let's look at the behaviour funnel together to uncover the root causes of your child's behaviour, which will turn confusion into clarify and support your child's growth.
Safety
When a child feels unsafe, even if it is perceived unsafety, their behaviours can escalate and a 6F response may emerge, whether that's fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop, or flood.
This happens because safety is closely linked to the automatic nervous system, or ANS. The job of the ANS is to scan the environment and everything we do, feel say and hear in order to tell us if we are safe. It's designed to help us survive. A little bit of stress is okay for children and can build resilience.
However, with ADHD, the levels of perceived stress are much higher. Children with ADHD take in far more information than their brain can process, and they struggle to filter out what's irrelevant. This overwhelm can cause the brain to misjudge the level of threat or even miss important information, leading them to feel unsafe more often.
Remember, safety isn't just physical. Emotional safety is just as important. It's the feeling that their integrity, beliefs, and personality are not being questioned. This emotional safety is the foundation of rejection sensitivity, which we'll dive into soon.
By understanding safety, we can help reduce those moments of overwhelm
This happens because safety is closely linked to the automatic nervous system, or ANS. The job of the ANS is to scan the environment and everything we do, feel say and hear in order to tell us if we are safe. It's designed to help us survive. A little bit of stress is okay for children and can build resilience.
However, with ADHD, the levels of perceived stress are much higher. Children with ADHD take in far more information than their brain can process, and they struggle to filter out what's irrelevant. This overwhelm can cause the brain to misjudge the level of threat or even miss important information, leading them to feel unsafe more often.
Remember, safety isn't just physical. Emotional safety is just as important. It's the feeling that their integrity, beliefs, and personality are not being questioned. This emotional safety is the foundation of rejection sensitivity, which we'll dive into soon.
By understanding safety, we can help reduce those moments of overwhelm
Connection is key
When your parenting is met with arguments, insults, and defiance, it can sometimes be disheartening. It's easy to feel like you're hitting a wall and connecting with your child seems impossible.
However, connection is the key to everything. If you do nothing else, prioritise true connection. It's the one tool that can start to turn things around. It's the foundation that can rebuild trust and communication even when things feel tense. By focusing on connecting with your child in the twigged way, which isn't the same as connecting with them whilst you cook dinner or put them to bed, you will build a foundation of trust and support.
Through this connection, you can begin to shift the dynamic and work as a team towards the progress you both desire.
Remember, connection is the first step to change. Let's keep building those bonds and move forward with confidence.
However, connection is the key to everything. If you do nothing else, prioritise true connection. It's the one tool that can start to turn things around. It's the foundation that can rebuild trust and communication even when things feel tense. By focusing on connecting with your child in the twigged way, which isn't the same as connecting with them whilst you cook dinner or put them to bed, you will build a foundation of trust and support.
Through this connection, you can begin to shift the dynamic and work as a team towards the progress you both desire.
Remember, connection is the first step to change. Let's keep building those bonds and move forward with confidence.
Behaviour funnel:A diagnostic framework to identify root causes of a child’s behaviour, such as unmet needs, dysregulation, or skill deficits.
Dose model:A framework encompassing dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins—the neurochemicals that influence mood, motivation, and social bonding.
6F response:Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flood flop. The body’s automatic reaction to perceived danger, involving adrenaline release and heightened alertness. In ADHD, this response can be triggered more frequently.
Rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD):An intense emotional response to perceived rejection or criticism, common in individuals with ADHD.
Time blindness:A difficulty in perceiving and managing time, common in individuals with adhd, which can lead to missed deadlines or poor time management..
Dopamine:The neurotransmitter involved with feelings of pleasure and regulation of attention.
Scaffolding:
providing structured support to help individuals develop skills or complete tasks they might struggle with independently, gradually reducing assistance as their competence grows.
ADHD and dyscalculia often co-occur, with up to 45% of individuals with ADHD also having dyscalculia, as both conditions involve deficits in executive function, working memory, attention regulation, and processing speed, making it challenging to process numbers, grasp mathematical concepts, and sustain focus during problem-solving.
ADHD and Tourette’s Syndrome frequently co-occur, with studies suggesting that up to 20% of individuals with ADHD also have Tourette’s Syndrome, as both conditions share underlying neurological differences affecting impulse control, executive function, and dopamine regulation, contributing to challenges with attention, self-regulation, and tics.
Approximately 31-45% of children with ADHD have a learning disorder such as Dysgraphia, and vice versa.
Brain energy
I want to introduce you to the concept of brain energy. Brain energy is different to physical energy. It is the energy you have in order to make the most of your executive functions and to do cognitive tasks with.
This is an exercise your child might want to do to represent their brain energy, which is often depleted, and when it is, it can cause reactions to be heightened. I have two jars, but you could use two columns on a chart. At the start of the day, all the marbles go into the brain energy left jar or column, representing the available brain energy to do cognitive tasks that are based on executive function.
As the day goes on and things happen that might cause upset or overwhelm, or at times of transition, your child can move some of the marbles into the energy used jar to show how much they've spent. Some days they might only use two units. Like when they're just going to school. But on other days, like after a long day of tests, play rehearsals and tennis after school, they might use all ten units of brain energy up by the time they get home.
Many children have what we call the ‘3.30 bomb’. After a ‘good day’ at school where they have masked and held it together, as soon as the front door shuts, their emotions overflow. Tasks like homework, or simply responding to a question, can result in a 6F response. So to help them understand their brain energy levels when they get home, encourage your child to show you how many units they have used by moving some or all of the marbles into the energy used jar. If they've used all their units, it's not the time to ask them to do their homework or put their washing away. Instead, ask them how they can replenish their energy, whether it's bouncing on a trampoline, playing their guitar, or simply being in silence in their room. Agree to check in after half an hour, at which time they may be able to move some of the marbles back into the energy left jar. Which will make tasks more manageable.
Using this visual aid can help your child understand and communicate their brain energy levels by externalising it, making it easier to support them when they need a break and when it's time to focus on a task.
How to harness the power of praise
Praise is a kind of superpower when it comes to children, but it is vital for those children with ADHD. How, and how much you praise your child will make all the difference. A good rule of thumb for children with ADHD is that for every one negative correction or comment, they need at least three positive ones. No matter how small they seem. Remember, by the age of 12, a child with ADHD has, on average, received 20,000 more negative comments than their neurotypical peers. And we need to change that.
Here are the five rules of praise:
Praise with enthusiasm. Even if you have to fake it.
Praise specifically. Praise the behaviour and not just the outcome. For example, “you did a good job at concentrating on your maths homework”, is far more powerful than a simple, “good job”.
Praise with touch. A simple hand on a shoulder, a high five or a hug adds connection when praising and really boosts its power.
Praise straight away. Timing matters. Praise immediately when you see good behaviour. Delayed praise doesn't have the same impact as it's not linked to the emotion and the task.
Praise the small things and don't just wait for the big moments. Praise everyday actions like putting their shoes away or coming to the table when asked.
And remember, praise in public and correct in private.
Here are the five rules of praise:
Praise with enthusiasm. Even if you have to fake it.
Praise specifically. Praise the behaviour and not just the outcome. For example, “you did a good job at concentrating on your maths homework”, is far more powerful than a simple, “good job”.
Praise with touch. A simple hand on a shoulder, a high five or a hug adds connection when praising and really boosts its power.
Praise straight away. Timing matters. Praise immediately when you see good behaviour. Delayed praise doesn't have the same impact as it's not linked to the emotion and the task.
Praise the small things and don't just wait for the big moments. Praise everyday actions like putting their shoes away or coming to the table when asked.
And remember, praise in public and correct in private.
Overwhelm 101
Even with all the work you've done to pre-empt meltdowns, they will still occur albeit less frequently. Whether it's screaming, crying, or withdrawing, it can feel overwhelming for us as parents. So what can we do to help our children when they do occur?
First, match their energy. If your child is shouting, meet them with similar energy, but avoid shouting back. A louder voice, not an angry one, can help them feel understood. Once you've matched their energy, you can start to calm the situation by modelling a softer, calmer voice.
Next, ride the wave. When a meltdown happens, logic and reason are not accessible as the prefrontal cortex is shut off. Instead of talking them down, simply wait for the intensity to pass. Remind them that feelings will subside. This helps reduce anxiety.
Keep quiet and use as few words as possible. Simple statements like, "You wish you could go to the fair" help your child feel understood.
Don’t take their anger personally—use empathy to connect.
If necessary, provide alternative behaviours, for example, " you can’t hit me, but you can hit a pillow." Redirecting the energy is key.
Lastly, don’t give permission. If your child is doing something harmful, give clear instructions without asking permission. And remember, it’s not about shutting them down; it’s about stopping the game using empathy and your own logic.
Put the bat down—don’t feed the meltdown.
Justice sensitivity
Justice sensitivity is a trait often seen in children with ADHD. It’s characterised by a strong sense of fairness and the need for justice. This can impact social interactions, relationships, and emotional well-being.
Children with ADHD can experience intense emotional reactions when they feel something is unfair.
So why do they feel the need for fairness so strongly? On average, a 12-year-old with ADHD has experienced 20,000 more negative interactions than their peers. With an average of one positive comment to every 40 negative ones, is it any wonder they feel the need for fairness?
It may also be down to the fact that the ADHD brain often struggles to filter out unnecessary information. One small negative comment can shift their perception to a negative one.
This black-and-white thinking—where something is either fair or unfair, with nothing in between—can sometimes be linked to autism.
Rejection sensitivity dysphoria
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, or RSD, is a common trait in children with ADHD. It’s when they experience intense emotional pain or a strong reaction due to perceived or real rejection, however big or small.
While nobody likes rejection, children with ADHD can feel it much more deeply.
This happens because the part of their brain that filters and regulates emotional responses doesn’t respond in the same way as it does for neurotypical children. This means the smallest criticism can feel personal and trigger a 6F response—where logic and reason are shut down.
So, how can we support them? First, don’t criticise, belittle or shame—focus on giving positive feedback. Children with ADHD need more positive interactions than negative ones—aim for 3-5 positive comments for every 1 correction.
When giving corrections, praise in public, correct in private. Public criticism and corrections can cause shame.
Pick your battles - stick to necessary corrections, not nit picking ones.
Use the Bad Sandwich technique: begin with a positive, then the correction, and end with another positive.
When discussing tough topics, try not to use the word “you”, as in, “you hurt me”. Instead, use “I feel hurt when you said...” as this is less confrontational.
Lastly, help your child manage Automatic Negative Thoughts, or ANTs. These negative thoughts can often feel very real, but are rarely factually correct. Teach your child to notice them, challenge them, and flip these thoughts so that they can focus on the positives.
Body doubling:a technique often used by people with ADHD to boost focus and productivity. It involves working alongside another person—either physically or virtually—not to help with the task, but simply to be present. This shared presence can create a sense of accountability and structure, making it easier to stay on task.
Dyscalculia:A condition where understanding numbers and performing mathematical calculations is difficult.
Dysgraphia:A condition which impairs letter writing.
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Inside the twigged toolkit for ADHD
Hi! I’m Gee, the founder of twigged. As a psychotherapist with a personal passion for supporting families with neurodiverse children. I know how difficult it can be to navigate the world of ADHD. But I also know how important and powerful it can be with the right tools and resources supporting you and your child.
Welcome to twigged. We are all about laying the foundations for understanding your child and their ADHD and how best we can support them. We’ll explore the struggles as well as the joys of having a child with ADHD, the core beliefs that underpin everything we do here at twigged, as well as some facts about ADHD, which will bring about some clarity for you. We'll also ask some big questions, like is ADHD a superpower? And how do different neurodiversities overlap? As well as how can we embrace neurodiversity in a world that’s made for neurotypicals?
After this, I hope you'll have a better understanding of what ADHD is, and how twigged can help you on your journey. At twigged, we’re not about quick fixes or perfection. We’re here for small steps, and progress, and celebrating wins along the way.
So, let’s get started exploring the foundations, and remember — you're not alone. We are in this together.
Seeing neurodiversity differently
Let's stop comparing neurodiverse children with neurotypical ones.
What if we embraced the idea that everyone has their unique strength? After all, we don't compare fish to birds, or birds to monkeys. We know that each species has evolved to thrive in it's own environment, fulfilling its own role.
For example, some animals thrive in the open ocean, others in coral reefs and some don't swim at all. Birds use water in ways that fish can't, yet they both have unique abilities. Does that make birds less amazing than fish? Of course not. They each have a role to play in the world.
Now, think about neurodiversity through that lens. What ADHD the same way? People with ADHD possess boundless energy, allowing them to hyperfocus on tasks. They're often the ones who come up with creative solutions and think outside the box. This energy can lead to incredible outcomes when understood and supported.
ADHD shouldn't be seen as a disorder. It's simply a different way of interacting with the world. Everyone's brain is different and that's something to be proud of.
Foundations summary
So far, we've touched on what ADHD looks like for your child and why traditional parenting strategies don't always work. We've explored how your child's brain has developed and the role of emotional regulation and impulse control in their response to the world around them.
I hope you now have a better understanding of ADHD, and why your child might react the way they do, and how to the twigged toolkit for ADHD can support you in navigating this world. Remember, this journey is about progress and not perfection, and you can go your own pace.
Next we'll delve into What - the practical tools that you can use to support your family. These tools can be used in your day-to-day to increase connection and reduce meltdowns.
Inside the What
Welcome to the next part of the twigged toolkit for ADHD. It's brilliant to have you here for the next stage of your journey.
We're going to do a deep dive into what ADHD is and how it affects your child's brain, behaviour and emotional world. We'll explore some key insights and practical tools that you can use to support your child and help them thrive in a world that doesn't always understand their needs. What you'll see and hear is there to give you a better understanding of ADHD. Not just the challenges, but the unique strengths that come with it too.
So let's get started. And remember, you're not on your own and we are aiming for progress and not perfection.
Dopamine pathway explained
The neurotransmitter dopamine plays a critical role in motivation and task completion for individuals with ADHD. There are two main dopamine pathways.
The first pathway starts when your child is presented with a routine, or less preferred task. This provides little stimulation to the ADHD brain, resulting in low dopamine levels. The lack of dopamine means it's hard for your child to access their executive functions and completing these tasks is challenging. However, if there is an extrinsic motivator provided, like a reward or challenge, this provides stimulation to the brain, which in turn gives a hit of dopamine, allowing executive functions to be used so the tasks can be completed.
The second pathway is when tasks are novel, challenging or preferred. This stimulates the brain, which gives a dopamine hit. This stimulation also means that the executive functions are available, so planning and completing a task is achievable. This acts as an intrinsic motivator for the child which gives even more brain stimulation and keeps the child engaged and on task. However, if the task becomes too hard or takes too long, the levels of stimulation reduces and there is no longer an intrinsic motivator. One way for your child to get back on track is for you to provide an extrinsic motivator to try and increase levels of stimulation and dopamine once more. Understanding this dopamine pathway can help you create a more supportive environment for motivation and task completion, enabling your child with ADHD to reach their goals and feel more accomplished.
The What summary
We've now gone into more detail on what ADHD is and how it affects your child's brain, behaviour and emotional world. We've looked to the different states of ADHD. Understanding when your child is calm, when they're sensory seeking, and when they are in a heightened state of dysregulation.
I hope that you now have a better understanding of what ADHD is and how it shows up and impacts your child's life. By recognising these patterns, you're already on a better path to understanding and supporting them.
Next, we'll explore why these behaviours happen, why your child might react in certain ways, and why we need to dig deeper to address the root causes. Understanding why will empower you with the tools and insight you need to help them thrive. And twigged is here to help. Let's discover together how we can navigate these challenges with understanding and compassion.
Inside the Why
Welcome back to the twigged Toolkit. I'm so pleased you're here.
In this part, we going to look at why your child behaves the way they do. Understanding the reason behind their reactions can give you the insight you need to respond with clarity and support.
By the end of this, I hope you have some practical tools to better manage those challenging moments. You'll understand the root causes behind certain behaviour and you'll be equipped to respond in ways that support your child's emotional and developmental needs.
Let's now discover the why behind ADHD so you can support your child's unique journey.
In this part, we going to look at why your child behaves the way they do. Understanding the reason behind their reactions can give you the insight you need to respond with clarity and support.
By the end of this, I hope you have some practical tools to better manage those challenging moments. You'll understand the root causes behind certain behaviour and you'll be equipped to respond in ways that support your child's emotional and developmental needs.
Let's now discover the why behind ADHD so you can support your child's unique journey.
Sensory cups
Imagine your child is always carrying a cup, but not just any cup, a sensory cup. These cups represent the sensory input each child can handle. Some children have large sensory cups, able to process more information without causing it to overflow whilst others have small cups which fill up quickly and are more prone to overflowing. This overflow shows up as overwhelm and is known as dysregulation.
While we can't change the size of their sensory cup, we can help manage the input they receive. This might involve using softer clothing, using earplugs in noisy places or opting for quieter. smaller group activities, as well as not going to some places at all.
By understanding how sensory load can affect your child, you can make adjustments to their environment and the activities they participate in, helping them stay regulated and making a world of difference to their lives.
While we can't change the size of their sensory cup, we can help manage the input they receive. This might involve using softer clothing, using earplugs in noisy places or opting for quieter. smaller group activities, as well as not going to some places at all.
By understanding how sensory load can affect your child, you can make adjustments to their environment and the activities they participate in, helping them stay regulated and making a world of difference to their lives.
Growth and fixed mindsets
Is your child in a fixed or growth mindset? Understanding the difference between these two mindsets can have a huge impact on their ability to grow, develop and reach their goals.
Children in a fixed mindset believe that their talents, abilities and behaviours are innate and unchangeable. They might say, 'I'm just not good at maths', or 'I'll never be able to do that'. This mindset can hold them back from trying new things, facing challenges and pushing through obstacles. It's important to know that children with a fixed mindset aren't lazy. They truly believe that their abilities are limited.
On the other hand, children with a growth mindset believe that their abilities and behaviours can be changed and developed with hard work, perseverance and a can-do attitude. They embrace challenges, learn from mistakes and see progress through practise as the key to growth. When they face setbacks, they view them as opportunities to learn and improve, rather than seeing failure as a sign of inability. Research shows that a growth mindset can lead to better academic outcomes and long-term success.
Encouraging your child to adopt this mindset can help them approach life with resilience and a positive outlook. By nurturing a growth mind you're giving your child the belief that they can grow, learn and succeed no matter what challenges come their way.
Children in a fixed mindset believe that their talents, abilities and behaviours are innate and unchangeable. They might say, 'I'm just not good at maths', or 'I'll never be able to do that'. This mindset can hold them back from trying new things, facing challenges and pushing through obstacles. It's important to know that children with a fixed mindset aren't lazy. They truly believe that their abilities are limited.
On the other hand, children with a growth mindset believe that their abilities and behaviours can be changed and developed with hard work, perseverance and a can-do attitude. They embrace challenges, learn from mistakes and see progress through practise as the key to growth. When they face setbacks, they view them as opportunities to learn and improve, rather than seeing failure as a sign of inability. Research shows that a growth mindset can lead to better academic outcomes and long-term success.
Encouraging your child to adopt this mindset can help them approach life with resilience and a positive outlook. By nurturing a growth mind you're giving your child the belief that they can grow, learn and succeed no matter what challenges come their way.
Summary of the Why
We've now looked at why your child with ADHD behaves in certain ways, how the brain processes information and how external factors like overwhelm and stress affect their behaviour.
I hope you can now better understand the root causes behind your child's reactions, and the patterns that influence their behaviour. This understanding is the first step in creating a positive and supportive environment.
Next up we'll focus on how you can practically support your child. We'll explore strategies and tools that can help manage behaviour, build that connection and foster a calmer, more peaceful home.
I hope you can now better understand the root causes behind your child's reactions, and the patterns that influence their behaviour. This understanding is the first step in creating a positive and supportive environment.
Next up we'll focus on how you can practically support your child. We'll explore strategies and tools that can help manage behaviour, build that connection and foster a calmer, more peaceful home.
Inside the How
Welcome to the How of the twigged Toolkit for ADHD. Here, we dive deeper into how to support your child with ADHD and provide you with practical tools from the twigged Toolkit for ADHD that you can start using right away. This is all about moving from understanding to action, giving you strategies to manage behaviour, build stronger connections and create a supportive environment for your child.
By the end of this, I hope you have the tools to navigate ADHD with confidence by knowing how to respond to challenges in a way that fosters growth, resilience and understanding for both you and your child. Let's get started and explore how we can make positive changes together.
By the end of this, I hope you have the tools to navigate ADHD with confidence by knowing how to respond to challenges in a way that fosters growth, resilience and understanding for both you and your child. Let's get started and explore how we can make positive changes together.
Summary of the How
Now, we've explored how to support your child with practical tools from the twigged Toolkit for ADHD. I hope you now feel equipped with strategies to manage behaviour, strengthen connection and create a supportive environment for your child to thrive.
As you move forward with confidence, using these new tools to support your child's growth and development, know that twigged it is always here for you. Remember, we're all on this journey together and it's about progress and not perfection.
As you move forward with confidence, using these new tools to support your child's growth and development, know that twigged it is always here for you. Remember, we're all on this journey together and it's about progress and not perfection.
Seeing the world through neurodiverse glasses
Ever wondered what neurodiversity looks and feels like for your child ?
Imagine if you woke up in a world designed for someone completely different to you. The rules don’t quite make sense to you, , the noise is too loud, the instructions feel unclear—and everyone expects you to just keep up.
Imagine if you woke up in a world designed for someone completely different to you. The rules don’t quite make sense to you, , the noise is too loud, the instructions feel unclear—and everyone expects you to just keep up.
For neurodiverse children, that’s everyday life. They don’t see the world the way neurotypical people do. Distractions aren’t just distractions—they’re explosions of noise or overwhelm of sensory input. Simple instructions? They can feel like a riddle without a key. Emotions? Sometimes they’re a tidal wave that come with no warning.
At twigged, we help parents and carers put on neurodiverse glasses—to see the world the way their child experiences it. Our twigged ADHD Toolkit gives you practical, real-world strategies—not just theory—to support your child in ways that actually work.
Because when we change how we see their world, we can change how we support our children—and that can make all the difference.
Executive Functions
Executive Functions are a set of cognitive processes that allow us to control and regulate our behaviour in order to achieve our goals. They are housed in the upstairs brain or prefrontal cortex.
We also need to consider the downstairs brain or limbic system. This is where we receive signals from our body about our environment to tell us is we are in danger or not. It is where our 6F (fight or flight ) response is generated.
Now imagine there is a ladder that joins the downstairs and upstairs brains. When we are in a calm and steady state we have access to the prefrontal cortex upstairs meaning we can achieve our goals and regulate our emotional responses.
However there is also a guard dog called the AMYGDALA that hangs out at the bottom of the ladder. The guard dog acts as our internal warning system to danger. This can be real danger or perceive danger to our physical or emotional wellbeing, including our autonomy or perceive attack against our belief system.
Neurotypicals have a guard dog, a bit like a German Shepard that only reacts when it needs to but neurodiverse people Can have a yappy Chihuahua that reacts to the slightest thing.
When the guard dog is activated it stands at the bottom of the ladder and prevents us from reaching the upstairs brain. Therefore we suddenly have no access to our executive functions and behaviours such as emotional regulation and impulse control go out of the window. We now only have access to the Downstairs (Limbic) brain meaning a 6F response is in charge and driving behaviour .
This over reactive guard dog can help explain why neurodiverse child react more often in a 6F response to even the simplest of requests.